The return of the (problematic) king and the end of the teenage hacker

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

This week’s nonsense comes to you from the Picos de Europa mountain range in northern Spain, where the country’s royal family decamp every year with their minor entourage of soldiers, servants, helicopter pilots and enough medics to staff a field hospital.

Spain’s royals are considerably less in the news since problematic old Juan Carlos decided to step away, hand over the throne to his son Felipe, and concentrate on shooting things that shouldn’t be shot and counting all the cash he was given by the Saudis.

But Juan Carlos is reportedly flying to London in the coming days for a meeting with King Charles to talk about whatever it is that kings and ex-kings talk about. The cost-of-living crisis, what day the garbage gets collected, or something similar?

The meeting might prove a touch awkward as randy Juan was once accused of making a pass at Princess Diana during a holiday she and the then-Prince Charles spent in Majorca in 1986.

It’s not known if former England cricketer Ashley Giles has been invited to the gathering. Giles once ordered a load of merchandize emblazoned with the legend “The King of Spin” (because he was a spin bowler … there’s no time here to explain the rules of cricket for any heathens out there but I’ll set up a phone hotline) but because of a printing error he was sent a batch of mugs with ‘The King of Spain” on them.

Chances are that Juan Carlos was the victim of José Luis Huertas, a teenage hacker who has been nabbed by Spanish police after a two-year investigation. Huertas, who goes by the name Alcasec (Spanish for ‘never kissed anyone’), was responsible for several major cyberattacks and once claimed he could access the personal data of 90 percent of all Spanish citizens.

Alcasec’s hacking exploits reportedly began at the age of 15 when he hacked into Burger King’s ordering system and forced it to give away free burgers, like a modern-day Robin Hood but with bags of coins replaced with saturated fat.

He never did anything as cool as the Ukrainian hackers who, earlier this month, hacked the online shopping account of a Russian military volunteer who has been buying drones for Moscow’s forces — and splashed the cash on sex toys. The group Kiber Sprotyv (Cyber Resistance) said they targeted the AliExpress account of Mikhail Luchin, writing that “he is a war criminal, volunteer, blogger and now dildo owner.”

When the Russians start throwing dildos at Ukrainian villagers, it’ll be a turning point in the war.

CAPTION COMPETITION

“Hey Vladimir, I’ll be with you in a minute once I’ve finished with whoever this fellow is.“

Can you do better? Email [email protected] or on Twitter @pdallisonesque

Last time we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“She’s a tough act to follow.”
“I know the feeling, majesty,” by Tom Morgan

Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s slot news editor.