Christmas season fights: Man vs. Frog (and pigeons and geese)

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

It’s time for that most festive of traditions: Having a go at the French!

More specifically, having a go at the French for what they eat at Christmas.

The Great Foie Gras Battle has long raged, of course. Back in 2000, when France held the rotating presidency of the Council of the EU, Jacques Chirac had his counterparts served foie gras and asked the room: “So, who doesn’t like it?” He then pulled back the heads of his fellow leaders and one by one force-fed them so that their livers became hyperfattened (probably).

Anyway, something else that the French hold dear is now under attack — and no, we don’t mean the European Parliament’s monthly trips to Strasbourg! It’s cuisses de grenouilles (frog legs).

Consumption of the delicacy peaks during Christmas season in France, with around 100 million frogs killed each year to feed demand, according to activists who have launched a campaign pointing to possible species extinction, cruelty and unsanitary transport conditions — and no, we still don’t mean the European Parliament’s monthly trips to Strasbourg!

France banned commercial frog hunting in the 1980s and now imports most of its edible frogs from countries such as Indonesia and Turkey.

If frogs have it bad, they are not alone. In Japan, pigeons are under attack, with a Tokyo taxi driver arrested on suspicion of deliberately driving into a flock of the birds, killing one of them.

Suspect Atsushi Ozawa “used his car to kill a common pigeon,” in the Japanese capital last month, and was arrested for violating wildlife protection laws, a police spokesperson told Agence France-Presse.

The suspect told police he had driven into the birds because “roads are for people. It’s up to the pigeons to avoid cars,” according to local media. That’s an interesting defense and one that was rebuked by the pigeons’ lawyer, who pointed out that “the sky is for birds (and clouds).”

While there has been sympathy for Tokyo’s pigeons, it hasn’t been the same for crows, which have been targeted by city authorities after complaints that their love of rubbish left in the street by restaurants was making a mess of the roads.

Asked about the EU’s proposals to crack down on frogs, pigeons and crows, a spokesperson said the entire animal control budget was spent on hunting GW950m, or Dave to his mates — the wolf responsible for killing Commission chief Ursula von der Leyen’s beloved pony, Dolly.

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“Not going to lie, I thought Santa would have a beard — and charisma.”

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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“I am sure the rats that plague Paris have their breeding grounds right down there!” by Philippe Defechereux.

Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s deputy EU editor.